How to wing it!

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There is a certain kind of person I have a hard time with. The person who will go out of his way – or her way – just in order to make me happy and put all their own needs aside, not out of kindness but because of a complete lack of self-respect and self value.

They let me get ahead in the line in the supermarket even if they are in more of a hurry than I am. They say yes and agree no matter what I suggest in any situation. You know what I mean; I am sure you have met this person.

Maybe you are this person.

I used to be like that and on one level I still am but not to the degree that I used to be. I was a total pushover; I would bend over backwards and go against my own beliefs and even my knowledge about the kind of person I know myself to be, just to achieve the goal of having somebody like me. That’s the sad thing about it. Sometimes when people are being overly kind to you it’s not necessarily because they are a kind person at heart, it might be because they are searching for something. They are looking for value and love and will do anything to get it.

I wonder what makes a person like that. What makes somebody so desperate to be loved that they are willing to sacrifice their own self-worth? Without self-worth and self love, you cannot receive love either. This kind of person will spend his or her life running around in circles looking for love – like a dog chasing his own tail.

So what can we do to stop being pushovers? I had to learn the hard way which was having my heart broken a couple of times, going through tons of pain and then slowly discovering that if I can’t be myself in any relationship in my life, it’s a relationship I don’t need to be in. Such a relationship would not have a chance of lasting anyway as you cannot go through life acting.

Perhaps it would help you to write down a few situations where you have acted against your belief and known in that moment that you were moving away from your own self in order to please somebody.
Think about those situations and think about how you would have acted differently so you would feel good about yourself.

You will never be able to set boundaries for other people unless you know where your boundaries are. People will put up with different things and it’s up to you to discover how much you can take. How much you’re willing to take. It is very important to set limits for other people; we all have a core that I think needs to be totally private and nobody can enter, even our partner. Our safe place, our limit. We need these boundaries for our mental health. If we let other people enter those private places in our lives, we turn into doormats, pleasers, dogs chasing their tails.

Practice saying no. This is something I need to do all the time and I’m very aware of it because I always feel like I have to make an excuse if I say no to something. It’s not people putting pressure on me; it’s me putting pressure on me – it’s the old feeling, the old thought pattern of “if I say no and don’t have a good explanation, they are going to hate me”. Practice, practice, practice. Try saying no firmly and not giving an explanation and see what happens. You’d be surprised how understanding people are. If they don’t understand and start to pressure you, then they have an issue with respect. That is not your problem so don’t make it your problem. If they get mad with you, they will get over it eventually.

Do something for yourself. This might be something that you’re afraid maybe your mom will disapprove of, your colleagues will not understand, your partner will wonder about – but do it for you because it’s something you would like to do and it will enrich your life to do it – despite of what others think.

Being assertive and having self worth is not being a jerk. In life we all need to be flexible and understanding but being a pushover has nothing to do with being a kind person. A pushover is just someone who is so desperate for love that they are willing to kill that person inside of them in order to get it.

I daily remind myself that I am a great person and it’s okay to be me. If people do not like the true me, why should they be in my life?

That’s something you need to ask yourself if you’re a pushover.

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Have you ever been with a guy who has told you that he is just not interested in marriage but within six months after the two of you break up, he has gotten married to another girl? There you are, sitting on the couch holding a cup of hot chocolate, sobbing and asking your dog just what went wrong.

I don’t like to write in general terms about people but there are actually a few things – I mean specific things – that most men look for in the search for a partner to marry.

For example, you might think it’s cute that when you meet a guy, you surrender all of your friends and all of your life and commit everything to him and him alone. For the guy it is simply not true. Most times a man will prefer to be with a woman who has a life of her own, who tells him “sorry darling but I’m going out with my girlfriends tonight”. That doesn’t mean a woman who totally excludes him from her social life but simply a woman who can function with and without him. I think that’s important to a lot of guys when they consider what kind of woman to marry.

Another important thing is to find a woman who will help the guy open up emotionally, especially in bed! For some men it’s very hard to discuss how sex makes them feel emotionally. You might ask why would we want to discuss that? Well, because communication – even when it comes to sex -is very important in any relationship.

Men want to marry a woman who bring out the best in them.

A supportive woman does not equal a slave driver or a drill sergeant but simply a woman who loves her man enough to tell him how proud she is of him and to help him achieve his goals in life. Honesty is very important when it comes to this. I’m not talking about praising your guy if he’s lazy, drinking too much or out on the town every night when he has other responsibilities he should be seeing to. If that’s the case, it’s a good thing to be honest and tell him “Honey, you drink too much”. “Honey, I think you should…” and so on. Most men will see this as a sign that this woman really cares. It’s a matter of being INTERESTED in him.

It is important for both men and women to be with a partner who evolves. When we are with a static person who shows no curiosity and has no plans for the future, we end up getting frustrated with each other. So for a guy, if he sees that a woman has goals for her life and she is excited about things – a hobby for example – he is more likely to see her as a long-term partner.

A final thing I’m going to mention – and this might be a bit delicate for some – a man often looks for a woman who will take charge in bed! And how do I know this? Because I have yet to meet a guy who doesn’t feel that way. Men want women who make love with a passion and who are interested in keeping the fire glowing in the bedroom. If  a woman sometimes takes charge in bed, I suppose it takes the pressure off the guy for a bit. The responsibility for a good and fulfilling sex life is not his alone anymore.

You men out there might have read this entry and you’re either nodding in agreement or you are totally disagreeing with the statements I just made. In either case , I’d love for you to comment on this entry ! Tell me, what kind of woman is marriage material for you?

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Sometimes I wonder why I fell in love with the people I did and I realize that with everyone of them there was a lesson for me to be learned. For example a big lesson has been that I now know it is okay to be exactly who I am, I don’t have to pretend to be somebody that I’m not to make anybody happy. That’s kind of a lost cause anyway but you know when you’re young, you sometimes find yourself doing things just to get approval. I trust that I passed that phase in my life now and although I still turn into a big bundle of nerves now and then, I am much more comfortable in my own skin than I used to be.

If you are young and falling in love, let me give you this advice: Don’t pretend to like something that you don’t like, don’t pretend to be anybody than the person you are. People only hide who they are if they feel unworthy of love. We are who we are. That goes for your love interest as well, don’t ever fool yourself into thinking that with a little love or with time or with nurturing, he or she will certainly change and become that person that you can love fully. Because we are who we are. So rest assured that the things that you find so charming right now in your partner will become the things that bug the hell out of you in six months time!

I don’t mean to be a downer. I might have become a little bit cynical over the years when it comes to love but I’d also like to think that the lessons I have learned will make me more capable of being in a relationship and making it last. I know many of the do’s and don’ts.

There’s only one thing that will make any relationship last: Communication. If you don’t find a manner of communication that is respectful and empathetic, your relationship will probably not last very long.

It is so easy to make the mistake of character assassination – which is just a couple of fancy words for calling somebody a bitch or a jerk or an idiot. I have learned that when you are in a relationship, you have got to raise the bar on both your communication and your behavior.

A while ago I watched a documentary about couples who had been married for 50 years and they were asked what had made their marriage last. What was their secret? One guy looked straight into the camera and said: “We never gave up at the same time”. I guess that says it all

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You know how people always talk about the wedding jitters? On the way up the aisle you might wonder if this is the right move you’re making. That threatening “forever after” is a lot for most people to handle. Maybe we should alter it to “Yes, I will certainly stay until it doesn’t work out between us anymore. Then I will keep the right to move on”

Wedding jitters. It is, however, my belief that the more scary jitters, or cold feet if you will, happen during year 1 of the marriage. That’s when you start realizing that you were merely deceiving yourself when you thought that you could change him or her into a better person. Oh, and those little quirks you once found so endearing, they will quickly start to get on your nerves. A lot of people get Year One Cold Feet.

He won’t suddenly start picking up the wet towels just because you got married…

She won’t do more around the house. It is my firm belief that in many ways, people just do not change and therefore it is wrong to think that marriage is automatic bliss. Don’t we all assume that? I know I did. I fully expected to stay married forever, as if some magical protective wand had been swung over my head and divorce only happened to other people.

Suddenly I found myself divorced, unable to change my partner or myself. Incompatible.

I don’t know if we can really avoid the first year jitters but we can – already from the beginning – reinforce the things that will make marriage work : Open communication, a high level of tolerance, give each other space to be who we are, understanding, spending time together (especially enjoying the precious time before the kids enter the scene and it will be harder to find time alone together) and allowing each other to have friends/girlfriends outside the marriage. We’re still individuals, not “just” a couple.

Perhaps people don’t talk enough about the important stuff before they get married. It’s so important to discuss values- what do we want and expect from life? We should discuss raising children, HOW to raise children, how to spend and/or save money, what kind of relationship to have with the two families involved, financial stuff and so much more. All the things that make a life.

Just consider the time and effort couples put into planning a wedding that lasts for one day. They should be planning the marriage itself – the one last should last a lifetime.

I am still studying The Work of Byron Katie and so far I have mixed emotions. I have had several eye openers in the process that have the possibility of affecting my life in a positive way but I also have something that now makes me wonder about the whole thing.

A young lady who felt bad that her boyfriend was spending a lot of time online with his ex girlfriend. After  a long talk she said “I am willing to experience taking second place to another woman”. In her own relationship. She felt really uncomfortable in the situation and she was crying. Now, this is where I get a problem. Or maybe I just don’t understand fully. Doesn’t taking second place to this ex girlfriend mean crapping all over your own self worth?? Or does Byron Katie mean “If you don’t want to take second place, don’t stay with him. Don’t argue with what is” ?  Probably. I’d love someone to explain it to me.

On a positive note I had a huge eye opener this weekend. I did The Work and suddenly saw that what I was attempting to do at that moment was take away the whole foundation in someone else’s life – because this person “should understand me better”. It’s not really true that others should understand me better. It’s not written anywhere. My world and my opinion is not, after all, the Bible of Opinions. Shucks.

An example of The Work:

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Did you know that even if you and your partner don’t communicate very well, there is a good chance that during the first three years of your relationship you will still feel attraction and excitement as a couple – even without communication? It’s as if God has given us three years in which we can learn how to talk together without the risk of breaking the relationship.

Trouble begins when a period of time has gone and you have learned nothing.

One of the really big issues to consider here is
that men and women are different in the way they deal with life. Women are the ones who look for improvement in everything. That’s why they are usually the ones who go “where are we in this relationship?” (the question most men hate). And they move furniture around because it might look better if the couch was somewhere else, like for example a little bit to the left. Most women fall in love with a man’s potential and will think that with time he might turn into what she wants in a man. After the period of about three years when she realizes that he still doesn’t pick up the towels and he is still late when he promised to be home on time, she will start to understand that he’s probably not going to change and that’s when communication fails.

Now, there is nothing wrong with potential – we all need somebody who can see something extraordinary in us, something that might develop with nurturing and love – but as women we often try to pull out the potential in the men we love as if we want to force it and this must be the most terrifying thing for a man. Men are wired differently than women.

A man will generally be opposed to change and improvement. It’s my experience that men will say “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”. He will leave the couch exactly where it is in the living room because it works. No need to change anything.

Men and women have different thought patterns and different genes. When women get married, we think “okay, now I’m going to love him so much that he will change” and men think “dear God, she married me, please let nothing change”.

The only way they can combine their lives and live happily is if they learn very good communications skills.

How To Improve Communication in Marriage

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What are some of the skills we need to teach children? What have you taught your children?

Purpose

Find your purpose of life. It can be anything, big or small but it’s very important to have a purpose.

How to have intimate relationships

I think kids should know how to develop intimate relationships through communication and empathy. If you have poor communication skills and little empathy for other, life will be very hard.

Live in the moment

A lesson I have hardly learned myself but I think it’s best to live right in the moment, in the NOW because it’s really all we have.

Running a household

By that I mean fixing stuff around the house, using the washing machine/dryer, dish washer, all the practical stuff they will need to know later on in life.

Love and compassion

Most importantly self love. If you don’t love yourself, you don’t have love to give.

Anti-competition

Being the kind of person who helps others to succeed in the job or life in general. A person who is not a back-stabber or feels resentment when others do well.

Motivation

I suppose that to achieve goals in life, motivation is a lot more important than discipline. If you are truly motivated to do something, you will almost always achieve it. However, if you have discipline and no motivation, you’re likely to fail.

Critical thinking

This should really be taught in schools. Question everything, debate, have conversations about your opinion and why you feel the way you do.

Saving and budgetting

A really important skill for kids to learn: To administrate money. They’re gonna need it!

Passion

Find something to be passionate about and go for it, do it for your job, enjoy it. Very important.

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It’s called emotional infidelity no matter how miserable you are with your partner. If you seek emotional comfort and intimacy outside your relationship, you’re cheating. Certain Bible folks will show you plenty of passages that states how wrong and sinful you are. But what if your marriage was over before it began, what if you and your partner were never meant to be together and you both realise it without saying so in words? What if you have no one to confide in and you know that all is lost?

Honestly I don’t think there are gradients of infidelity. You’re either faithful or not. I don’t care if you’re talking to someone online (other than your partner) or meeting up for coffee and that talk you’ve been craving to have all week long; you’re going outside your relationship in search for something you’re not getting. Is that ever okay?

One of the things you understand as you get older is that life is not black and white. I’ve actually known a few adults who thought that it was black and white but that’s another story and those people are usually very unflexible and show very little understanding when it comes to the short-comings of others. When you’re a kid, your friend is either with you or “unfaithful” in his/her choice of several other friends. When you’re a kid, your parents are perfect and if their marriage fails, it has to be somebody’s fault..because things don’t just fall apart for no reason. Only when you grow up will you realise that people belong to themselves, they make their own choices for various personal reasons and your parents might both be good people who just made the wrong choice in partner but they both love you as parents.

Life is made out of colors. It has nuances, twists, cracks, bumps. Everybody tries their best, that’s one thing I know for sure. I know of plenty of marriages that have fallen apart but I know of nobody who has taken the marriage – or the ending of the marriage – lightly. We all start out wanting the best for ourselves and our partner but sometimes life handles us things and circumstances we can’t control.

If a marriage is over emotionally, if you have tried councelling and every single avenue you can to make things work and you still know for sure that it’s not gonna work, I don’t think seeking comfort and emotional intimacy outside the marriage is wrong. Just remember, you owe to your partner and your marriage to fight like hell for what you dreamed about in the first place and when it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out. Learn from the experience and try your very best to keep a good relationship with your ex; remember: How your new partner speaks about his ex is the way he will one day speak about you. If he has respect for the past women in his life, he will also respect you.

I am not promoting infidelity here, merely stating that when every avenue has been tried and failed and you know it’s a lost cause, it’s okay to be comforted and assured that you’re a good person. We all need someone. By the way, the term “Once a cheater, always a cheater” is the most ridiculous thing I ever heard. So far.

Little update..it’s errr…9:51 PM here and my man Kurt just added “Besides, how Groucho is that???”…ha ha..”Remember we’re fighting for this woman’s honor which is more than she ever did”!

065/365: Show us your smile!
Having no sense of humor should be a crime punishable by law and hereby I don’t mean we should all share the same sense of humor and laugh at exactly the same thing but let’s at least laugh at something. Anything.

I have met people who seem to have something stuck up their behind that makes them unable to laugh at themselves. We’re counting out people who are going through hardships in life and therefore currently don’t feel like laughing. They’re excused, of course. But those people out there who have no reason to not embrace joy and laughter and still don’t do it, I wish you could be locked up in a room full of laughter and not be let out until you’ve learned.

Laughter is life and love. I wish everybody could experience the loss of control that laughter really is – smiles bring us closer to other people.

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What do you look for in a friend? Here is my list:

Compassion
Compassion is a very important trait in a friend. A good friend to me is someone who can show and feel empathy, listen and try to understand where I am coming from. It doesn’t mean always agree with me, just accept me as I am. That’s essential.

Honesty

I honestly wouldn’t want a friend who answered “Yes” if I ask “Do I look fat in this outfit?”. I wouldn’t like such a friend. So with honesty I am talking about pointing out to me if I am heading towards something bad, taking the wrong road in my life. I would like to be reminded of that, even though I might not listen. That would be my fault, not my friend’s.

Humor

I find it hard to believe that people without humor can be great friends. I have a very sarcastic, dry sense of humor and if someone is unable to understand that it comes from a loving place, I can seem quite bitchy, thus no friendship. I need a friend who can share a laugh.

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