How to wing it!

Today I want to write about a topic that has actually been on my mind for quite a while – I just haven’t gotten around to writing about it. I want to write about some of the things to be aware of when you have a child with a person from a different culture and before I start writing, I just wanted to clear that this entry is not about claiming that the Western way of raising kids – or my own way of raising kids – is the only right way. I merely want to state some things that it’s good to consider before you have your first child with a foreign partner.

Let’s take such a thing as medicine to start with. In the Western world a lot of us don’t consider it a problem to give our kids  medication for headaches or transport sickness or any other ailment along the way but in some cultures people do not give medicine to kids and it’s always good to have a discussion about this. How are you going to handle it when your child has a fever? Do you medicate or do you not medicate?

Another thing that might be a challenge is your child’s eating habits. How does your partner feel about candy, for example? If your partner is Muslim, he or she will more than likely expect the child to eat only Halal food. How do you feel about that?

Then there’s the subject of in-laws. In the Western world, we do tend to like our in-laws and do our best to get on well with them but at the same time, we have very clear boundaries for them. We don’t expect our own parents to have a major say in the way we choose to raise our kids but in some culture,s families are much more integrated and everybody has a say in raising the children. That’s another thing you need to consider. If the in-laws come to visit , they might want to stay for weeks or even months at a time . Can you live with that ?

Think about dating. In some cultures girls are not allowed to date even when they reach their teens whereas different rules apply for boys. You on the other hand might think it’s perfectly natural for teenage girls to wear makeup and go out with boys. That’s another thing to talk about.

The last thing I am going to mention is birthdays. In some cultures birthdays for children are only celebrated until they reach their teens and then it stops whereas we in the Western world continue to make a big deal about birthdays even into adulthood.

I’m not trying to discourage you from having babies with a foreigner or somebody with a different culture than you; it’s just my experience that it’s better to have a huge amount of discussions before the child is born because no matter what, you’re going to need to compromise – both of you. If you are both unwilling to let go of certain traditions and beliefs about child rearing, you’re likely to run into a whole bunch of trouble.

Sit down with your partner and discuss your expectations

Image by Scootzsx via Flickr

There is a certain kind of person I have a hard time with. The person who will go out of his way – or her way – just in order to make me happy and put all their own needs aside, not out of kindness but because of a complete lack of self-respect and self value.

They let me get ahead in the line in the supermarket even if they are in more of a hurry than I am. They say yes and agree no matter what I suggest in any situation. You know what I mean; I am sure you have met this person.

Maybe you are this person.

I used to be like that and on one level I still am but not to the degree that I used to be. I was a total pushover; I would bend over backwards and go against my own beliefs and even my knowledge about the kind of person I know myself to be, just to achieve the goal of having somebody like me. That’s the sad thing about it. Sometimes when people are being overly kind to you it’s not necessarily because they are a kind person at heart, it might be because they are searching for something. They are looking for value and love and will do anything to get it.

I wonder what makes a person like that. What makes somebody so desperate to be loved that they are willing to sacrifice their own self-worth? Without self-worth and self love, you cannot receive love either. This kind of person will spend his or her life running around in circles looking for love – like a dog chasing his own tail.

So what can we do to stop being pushovers? I had to learn the hard way which was having my heart broken a couple of times, going through tons of pain and then slowly discovering that if I can’t be myself in any relationship in my life, it’s a relationship I don’t need to be in. Such a relationship would not have a chance of lasting anyway as you cannot go through life acting.

Perhaps it would help you to write down a few situations where you have acted against your belief and known in that moment that you were moving away from your own self in order to please somebody.
Think about those situations and think about how you would have acted differently so you would feel good about yourself.

You will never be able to set boundaries for other people unless you know where your boundaries are. People will put up with different things and it’s up to you to discover how much you can take. How much you’re willing to take. It is very important to set limits for other people; we all have a core that I think needs to be totally private and nobody can enter, even our partner. Our safe place, our limit. We need these boundaries for our mental health. If we let other people enter those private places in our lives, we turn into doormats, pleasers, dogs chasing their tails.

Practice saying no. This is something I need to do all the time and I’m very aware of it because I always feel like I have to make an excuse if I say no to something. It’s not people putting pressure on me; it’s me putting pressure on me – it’s the old feeling, the old thought pattern of “if I say no and don’t have a good explanation, they are going to hate me”. Practice, practice, practice. Try saying no firmly and not giving an explanation and see what happens. You’d be surprised how understanding people are. If they don’t understand and start to pressure you, then they have an issue with respect. That is not your problem so don’t make it your problem. If they get mad with you, they will get over it eventually.

Do something for yourself. This might be something that you’re afraid maybe your mom will disapprove of, your colleagues will not understand, your partner will wonder about – but do it for you because it’s something you would like to do and it will enrich your life to do it – despite of what others think.

Being assertive and having self worth is not being a jerk. In life we all need to be flexible and understanding but being a pushover has nothing to do with being a kind person. A pushover is just someone who is so desperate for love that they are willing to kill that person inside of them in order to get it.

I daily remind myself that I am a great person and it’s okay to be me. If people do not like the true me, why should they be in my life?

That’s something you need to ask yourself if you’re a pushover.

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Today I want to write a little bit about something that I call conversation starters. I’m actually writing this post because I suffer from social phobia which is a condition where you fear social contact – so trying to find ways to break the ice with strangers is something that I find quite useful and I thought it would be a good idea to make a list for others in the same situation and you can actually use this list whether you are going out on a first date, going to a family gathering or something else. In any kind of social situation this list is good.

First off, remember that all conversations have three phases:

a. Introductions
b. Conversation
c. Farewell

Introductions are usually quite easy. You shake hands and ..
say your name. It’s a good idea to start things off with a quick smile as well – this shows that you are an open and friendly person which is always a good start for any conversation.

Next comes the general conversation. This is where I usually fall flat on my face because I simply cannot find anything to talk about and I fall into this trap: when the other person is trying very hard to get a conversation going with me by asking interesting questions, I am very busy inside my head thinking about the things I should be saying so I don’t hear what the other person is saying! It’s a common thing for people with social phobia – “I have to think of something to say or this person will think that I’m stupid”. While all these thoughts are going on inside your head, the other person is trying hard to get the conversation on track.
Usually people will give up talking to you and your worst fears will come true: yes, you really are weird to talk to!

This is why a little list of starters might come in handy.

It’s a good idea to look at your surroundings. Can you find something there to talk about? Maybe you are both waiting in line for the toilet – a good thing to say would be “there’s a lot of people waiting here today, huh?”.
That starts off the conversation was something you both have in common: waiting to pee!

Another thing to comment on could be the other person’s outfit. Find something you like and say “I really like your boots” or “that’s a beautiful coat, where did you buy it?” . These are great conversation starters and people always love when you say something nice about them

Of course there is always the old “how are you today?” – but only ask if you are really interested in knowing. Personally I hate when the lady at the supermarket asks me how I’m doing. I am probably the 500th person she asks that morning and she can’t possibly be interested in how I am doing. If you don’t want to know, don’t ask – but if you show a little bit of interest this is a good way to get a conversation going.

Does this seem a little odd to you? Making a list about what to say to a total stranger who might approach you? For people who are naturally outgoing this might seem a little odd. What’s so hard about making conversation? Well, there are some people to whom the social scene is terrifying and we need a little help breaking the ice.

If you want to get into a conversation that’s a little heavier, you could think about a current topic – maybe something you’ve seen on TV or – if you want to make it really heavy – get into politics!
On a lighter note, how about mentioning a movie you just saw at the cinema?

Now if you are anything like me the problem is not only getting a conversation started but also keeping it flowing. This might be one of my biggest problems. If people ask me something I’m very likely to answer yes or no and thus the conversation ends very quickly. To keep the conversation flowing is something I am always struggling with and it’s not that I’m not interested in what people have to say – it’s the fact that my brain is working so hard while they are talking that I sometimes don’t really hear what they say and so I don’t know what to answer!

Now let’s say you walked into the local fast food place and you sit down and have a burger. You notice that there’s a family sitting at the table beside you and the kids are playing with the PlayStation that the restaurant has put in place. Now the dad turns to you and says:

- My kids love to come here because they can play on the PlayStation!

This is where I would totally freeze up! At my most intelligent and outgoing hour I might say  “okay ” or  “yeah it’s fun to play on the PlayStation ” which makes me sound like a total idiot , I know .

What could I say instead ? Well , I might ask if there are other places in town who have the same service for kids. Or I could play dumb  – just to get the conversation going  – and say  “I don’t really know what you do on a PlayStation ..”  and the dad would certainly inform me about it . Or I could let them in on a more personal note : “yes my son loves the PlayStation too”.

It’s very easy to sit at home and come up with answers but trust me when I’m in the actual situation , I sound like a total fool .

Another thing to remember is that just because people lean over towards you and make a comment like this , it doesn’t mean they are willing to go on for a half an hour about the origins of the PlayStation . You need to make it short and friendly and end it gracefully .

Getting away from the conversation in the fast food place could be saying “I am running late but it was so nice to meet you, enjoy your meal”.

Then smile.

That’s it. Short and friendly.

Little tips like these sometimes help me in social situations and like I said, you can use these tips in any social scenario. I hope you found them helpful as well.

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Image by Khalifa Al-Matawaah ♥ via Flickr

The holidays are upon us and for me this always seems to be a very stressful time. There are so many things to be thought about and managed and bought and wrapped and baked!

Christmas can be extra rough if you were going through separation or divorce. Let’s face it, the old saying “the more the merrier” is especially true at Christmas time. It’s a time to be around family and to remember the things that we love about each other, we dig into the old boxes in the attic and decorate the tree together with the kids.

From the time we are born, we are taught that Christmas is a truly magical time and there are so many traditions to honor. I don’t know about you but for me, the month of December usually equals tons of stress instead of enjoyment.

I saw an online poll that asked people whether or not they would like Christmas to be simpler and would you believe that three out of four said that Christmas is way too stressing? So although I am generally bad at management, I am not the only one who finds the whole Christmas hype a little too much.

Anyway, I can’t honestly remember my first Christmas after my own divorce because there were probably so many emotions whirling around inside of me that I simply blocked out the memory. Still, there are a few things that you can do to make the holiday bearable if you are going through a divorce:

1. If you have children with your spouse and you are divorcing, you’re going to have to make some adjustments around Christmas time. There are dates to agree about but also some traditions may have to be altered so perhaps it’s a good idea to sit down and consider which traditions are very important to you and keep those and then try to be flexible about other traditions. I know it’s not always easy to agree about whose traditions are more important than the others but flexibility is needed all year round when you are divorced and have kids together so you might as well begin with Christmas.

2. This Christmas you will probably be grieving and crying a lot and you should allow yourself to do so because it’s all part of the healing process. If you’re going to be celebrating with family, they will probably understand your emotions. Don’t try to hold back your tears; that will just make things even worse for you and for everybody else as well. Allow people to comfort and help you.

3. Keep things simple if you can. If you are going through a divorce, you probably have less money this year for Christmas – perhaps you need to find a new job, you need a smaller place, you are suddenly the sole provider for your kid – there can be lots of issues to deal with when you’re standing in the middle of a divorce and so the financial situation is bound to be different. So when it comes to such a thing as presents for the kids, try to keep it simple and really prioritize what’s important to you around Christmas: is it that big present or is it simply being together ? This is something I struggle with myself and I constantly need to remind myself that Christmas is not about stressing out because you don’t have enough money . Gifts are not always material things; a gift can also be the gift of time, the gift of attention, the gift of hugging your kids tight.

4. The true spirit of Christmas is generosity and love and if you are going through a divorce , it might be a good idea to focus on something other than yourself just for a few days . Find someone to help , volunteer for something and you will feel better , I promise .

5. I don’t know whether you are religious are not but for me it has always been a comfort to know that in the middle of what ever it is I’m going through , God is constant . He does not change and He does not leave me ever . The thought always hits my mind when I’m walking around Christmas tree singing hymns with my family, I look at the star and I know for sure that we need never be without God. There is a great comfort in that.

These were just a few tips to what you can do to make Christmas a little simpler and if not easy then at least bearable when you’re going through this hard time . I hope you found it useful .

Image via Wikipedia

I’m back. Have spent time with my precious son

The leaves are falling off the trees and my mood is really, truly reflecting the time of year. Time to get out the bright lamp and the great video camera I have..oh wait, I have none.

Great.

Oh. I was hoping you didn’t notice. I’ve only gone and changed the layout once more and honestly, I am so tired of writing apologies. Maybe it is not even necessary anymore?

I mean, if you have hung around this long, chances are you are used to constant changes here and if you’re a newbie and I have now lost you, I am so sorry – I am sure you will find lots of other places that remain the same year in and year out. I am just not that kinda blogger.

We’re now using a simpler layout that should be quite easy to navigate (I write that every time I change layout) …

By the way, happy Halloween to those of you who celebrate it – be careful not to get swallowed up by a bogeyman.

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Non-blended families often view time alone together as a special event that is highly anticipated. Alone or ‘no-kid’ time in a blended family is bittersweet. It means that at least one, if not both, members of the couple are without their children. Time with children who do not live in the home is premium and cherished. When the non-custodial parent is not with their kids there is a huge sense of loss and sadness. While this wanes as the parent gets used to the visitation process or schedule, on some level the sadness remains.

Therein lies the issue with couple alone time in a blended family. When we are able to have that time together, it is often difficult for us to give ourselves permission to enjoy it. There is a sense that because the kids are gone and we feel sad, that we should not allow ourselves to enjoy or anticipate that time.

Address : http://susanjsohn.com/thefamilyroom/2009/10/welcome-paige/

Excellent article about being without the kids and making it a good time in the midst of the sadness.
Thanks to the Noncustodial Parent Community on Facebook for sharing this link and making me aware of it.

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Kirsten Dunst

I have been told that I resemble Kirsten Dunst. I am not quite sure if it’s true as those things are usually kinda hard to judge for oneself.

Kirsten Dunst starred in the Spiderman movies (I think) and Marie Antoinette (or Marie On Toilette as I like to call it). I have no other knowledge of her and quite honestly, the more I look at her picture, the less I see myself..

Hmmm..

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Image via Wikipedia

Indentified belief: My child will hurt if I am not there with him every day by his side. I am a noncustodial mom and I feel ashamed.

1. Is it true that he will hurt if you’re not there with him every day by his side? No.

2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true that he will hurt? No, I can’t know for sure.

3. What happens when you believe in the thought “My child will hurt if I am not there with him every day by his side. I am a noncustodial mom and I feel ashamed.” ?  I feel very sad and stuck because I am unable to change the situation. I get frustrated and I feel like I am to blame for having to be away from him. I carry a lot of guilt about that. I feel very bad about myself and I don’t wanna allow myself to feel happy. I want to punish myself.

4. Who would you be without the thought? If I didn’t carry around the thought that my child is miserable because of me – or miserable for any reason – I would be happy. I would be more carefree and more interested in the world around me. I wouldn’t feel so much like hiding away and denying myself happiness. I would be a much better mother because I would feel whole.

Now turn the belief around.  My child will not hurt if I am not there with him every day by his side. I do not feel ashamed.  When I speak with him, I hear joy in his voice. He has friends, he has a social life, he loves his father whom he shares a nice home with. He loves being with me when we have time together. He loves my company. He is not angry with me. He does not blame me. He does not blame himself. He does not blame his father. My child is a happy child.

I am willing to experience that my child is happy and willing to experience not being ashamed.
I am looking forward to experiencing that my child is happy and looking forward to experiencing  not being ashamed.
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Kids jumping rope, New Orleans 1943, Image via Wikipedia

Okay here’s a little confession: Yesterday I actually went out and bought a jump rope for myself. I know, it’s a little silly, a woman aged 35 buying a jump rope for herself. It’s just that I had so much fun last weekend with my son where I did that for the first time in years and I just got this joyous feeling! I felt like a little girl again and so many things came back to me, lovely memories from my childhood.

So that’s when I thought, why not keep a jump rope at home and get that joyous feeling back now and then? It’s important to have fun and remember the child within

When was the last time you went woo-hoo from joy? What made you so happy?

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