How to wing it!

Today I want to write about a topic that has actually been on my mind for quite a while – I just haven’t gotten around to writing about it. I want to write about some of the things to be aware of when you have a child with a person from a different culture and before I start writing, I just wanted to clear that this entry is not about claiming that the Western way of raising kids – or my own way of raising kids – is the only right way. I merely want to state some things that it’s good to consider before you have your first child with a foreign partner.

Let’s take such a thing as medicine to start with. In the Western world a lot of us don’t consider it a problem to give our kids  medication for headaches or transport sickness or any other ailment along the way but in some cultures people do not give medicine to kids and it’s always good to have a discussion about this. How are you going to handle it when your child has a fever? Do you medicate or do you not medicate?

Another thing that might be a challenge is your child’s eating habits. How does your partner feel about candy, for example? If your partner is Muslim, he or she will more than likely expect the child to eat only Halal food. How do you feel about that?

Then there’s the subject of in-laws. In the Western world, we do tend to like our in-laws and do our best to get on well with them but at the same time, we have very clear boundaries for them. We don’t expect our own parents to have a major say in the way we choose to raise our kids but in some culture,s families are much more integrated and everybody has a say in raising the children. That’s another thing you need to consider. If the in-laws come to visit , they might want to stay for weeks or even months at a time . Can you live with that ?

Think about dating. In some cultures girls are not allowed to date even when they reach their teens whereas different rules apply for boys. You on the other hand might think it’s perfectly natural for teenage girls to wear makeup and go out with boys. That’s another thing to talk about.

The last thing I am going to mention is birthdays. In some cultures birthdays for children are only celebrated until they reach their teens and then it stops whereas we in the Western world continue to make a big deal about birthdays even into adulthood.

I’m not trying to discourage you from having babies with a foreigner or somebody with a different culture than you; it’s just my experience that it’s better to have a huge amount of discussions before the child is born because no matter what, you’re going to need to compromise – both of you. If you are both unwilling to let go of certain traditions and beliefs about child rearing, you’re likely to run into a whole bunch of trouble.

Sit down with your partner and discuss your expectations

I hate winter. Seriously. Did you hear me? I can’t stand this darkness and cold weather. It’s getting on my already very worn out nerves.

I wake up in the morning and venture out there for God knows what reason. Oh yeah, to loose a few pounds because this society says that I am FAT. Society says: Lose weight, measure your waist, don’t eat this, don’t eat that, die healthy and skinny.

And it’s cold as Hell. My nature is to stay inside, eat chocolate, potato chips and other cool foods – and drink lots of Coke and hot chocolate with tons of whipped cream on top. Why can’t I just do that? Does God really mean for us to be so healthy it’s killing every single little ounce of joy in life?

I wonder. What are your thoughts on weight loss, joy, Christmas, cold weather and such?

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Alright I am up WAY early this Saturday morning because I’ve promised to clean my parent’s kitchen – well at least some of it – and I figure this will be my exercise for today. Crawling around in the dirt between pots and pans and tons of Tupperware. Nah, just kidding, my parents are not Tupperware people.

Anyway, I don’t have time to sit here. Off to work – and I will see you guys later.

Image via Wikipedia

Shopping must be done. Laundry must be done. Cooking must be done. Dentist, see you at 1.30.

Am I calm? No, not anymore..

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Non-blended families often view time alone together as a special event that is highly anticipated. Alone or ‘no-kid’ time in a blended family is bittersweet. It means that at least one, if not both, members of the couple are without their children. Time with children who do not live in the home is premium and cherished. When the non-custodial parent is not with their kids there is a huge sense of loss and sadness. While this wanes as the parent gets used to the visitation process or schedule, on some level the sadness remains.

Therein lies the issue with couple alone time in a blended family. When we are able to have that time together, it is often difficult for us to give ourselves permission to enjoy it. There is a sense that because the kids are gone and we feel sad, that we should not allow ourselves to enjoy or anticipate that time.

Address : http://susanjsohn.com/thefamilyroom/2009/10/welcome-paige/

Excellent article about being without the kids and making it a good time in the midst of the sadness.
Thanks to the Noncustodial Parent Community on Facebook for sharing this link and making me aware of it.

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The rage of Achilles, Image via Wikipedia

Because I am so busy today, I am re-posting an entry that I think lots of NCP’s can find useful.

When you have lost custody of your child/children, you’re gonna be going through an emotional roller-coaster ride. For me, being a non-custodial mom for several years now, some days are okay, some are straight out of hell. I’ve made a little list of things that help me when I hurt badly – I am not always good at implementing them but they really do help if you’re in a place where you can act upon your hurt.

1. Spoil yourself.
Take a hot bubble bath, read that book you’ve been wanting to read, take a walk and feel the fresh air, take up Greek mythology, get a hobby..spoil yourself and remember you are important to your child. Better take care of yourself.

2. Embrace the frustration and hurt.
You’re not gonna avoid those terrible days where your heart is bleeding and you can’t make sense of a thing. You’ll feel guilty, you’ll feel worthless in your role as a parent even when it’s not the truth. At times like those, just get it all out. If you’re alone, write down your thoughts, make a drawing, scream to your heart’s desire. Anything except holding back the pain. If you’re with someone, talk about it. Everything looks different when you’ve shared it with another person.

3. Don’t dramatize.
Phrases such as “My child will always hate me” and “I will never ever be happy again” really make you feel a lot worse than you need to. Don’t call your situation a problem, call it a challenge. Words are truly powerful.

4. Focus on the positive.
This is a tough one. I am not really getting this myself. It’s hard to find the positive in every situation but I am pretty sure that if you train your mind, you can do it. Our brains play a tape recording of thoughts – perhaps we can use the delete button and record some new thoughts? A good way to become in a better mood is simply by smiling. The brain then gets fooled into believing that you are actually in a good mood and your body will react accordingly. It’s hard, though.

5. Perspective.
Think about this: Will the challenge you are going through right now be as heartbreaking in 3-4 years from now? Maybe things that are very difficult right now will make a whole lot more sense in a few years. Look ahead. Think about the world outside your window. Perspective is a good thing and it might help you to avoid doing foolish things.

6. Reach out.
Reach out and touch faith, you might say. If you don’t know any other non-custodial parents, I am here to tell you, you are not alone. Don’t get all grandiose and think you’re the first mom or dad to hurt this badly. There are thousands out there and it’s important to reach out and be a part of their support system. It’s helped me through some rough times.

Support for non-custodial parents:
NANCM, National Association of Non-custodial Moms
ANCPR, Alliance of Non-custodial Parents Right
Non-custodial Parent Community

I have been busy these past two days getting to know The Work and learning more about Byron Katie. Also my son’s 10 year old birthday is coming up on Monday and I am so excited for him.

I can’t believe it’s been 10 years with the blessing of him in my life. He is a precious, precious boy and I am so proud of him. Just today I spoke with him on the phone for an hour and I listened to the laughter in his voice and the excitement. He said tomorrow he’s going to search the house for gifts and “Mom, if I give you money, will you tell me what I get”?

I love him so much there are no words. He’s the most amazing gift in my life.

Blog entries might be sparse during the next couple of days because of all the PARTYING going on 

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Indentified belief: My child will hurt if I am not there with him every day by his side. I am a noncustodial mom and I feel ashamed.

1. Is it true that he will hurt if you’re not there with him every day by his side? No.

2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true that he will hurt? No, I can’t know for sure.

3. What happens when you believe in the thought “My child will hurt if I am not there with him every day by his side. I am a noncustodial mom and I feel ashamed.” ?  I feel very sad and stuck because I am unable to change the situation. I get frustrated and I feel like I am to blame for having to be away from him. I carry a lot of guilt about that. I feel very bad about myself and I don’t wanna allow myself to feel happy. I want to punish myself.

4. Who would you be without the thought? If I didn’t carry around the thought that my child is miserable because of me – or miserable for any reason – I would be happy. I would be more carefree and more interested in the world around me. I wouldn’t feel so much like hiding away and denying myself happiness. I would be a much better mother because I would feel whole.

Now turn the belief around.  My child will not hurt if I am not there with him every day by his side. I do not feel ashamed.  When I speak with him, I hear joy in his voice. He has friends, he has a social life, he loves his father whom he shares a nice home with. He loves being with me when we have time together. He loves my company. He is not angry with me. He does not blame me. He does not blame himself. He does not blame his father. My child is a happy child.

I am willing to experience that my child is happy and willing to experience not being ashamed.
I am looking forward to experiencing that my child is happy and looking forward to experiencing  not being ashamed.
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We’re gathered here to remember Gitte!

Ever think about what you want said at your own funeral? I have.

She made me feel better
I hope that they will remember me as somebody who made them feel good.

She was kind and understanding
I try to be open minded to the best of my ability. Right now I am a bit intolerant – I have been told – but hopefully I won’t die until I am in at least my nineties and by that time I have shed my intolerant self. I am sure.

She made me laugh
I hope people will remember my sense of humor

She was a good mother
Please God, please. Let that be said.

She took chances
She took chances in life. If she wanted something, she tried to make it happen.

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What are some of the skills we need to teach children? What have you taught your children?

Purpose

Find your purpose of life. It can be anything, big or small but it’s very important to have a purpose.

How to have intimate relationships

I think kids should know how to develop intimate relationships through communication and empathy. If you have poor communication skills and little empathy for other, life will be very hard.

Live in the moment

A lesson I have hardly learned myself but I think it’s best to live right in the moment, in the NOW because it’s really all we have.

Running a household

By that I mean fixing stuff around the house, using the washing machine/dryer, dish washer, all the practical stuff they will need to know later on in life.

Love and compassion

Most importantly self love. If you don’t love yourself, you don’t have love to give.

Anti-competition

Being the kind of person who helps others to succeed in the job or life in general. A person who is not a back-stabber or feels resentment when others do well.

Motivation

I suppose that to achieve goals in life, motivation is a lot more important than discipline. If you are truly motivated to do something, you will almost always achieve it. However, if you have discipline and no motivation, you’re likely to fail.

Critical thinking

This should really be taught in schools. Question everything, debate, have conversations about your opinion and why you feel the way you do.

Saving and budgetting

A really important skill for kids to learn: To administrate money. They’re gonna need it!

Passion

Find something to be passionate about and go for it, do it for your job, enjoy it. Very important.

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