How to wing it!

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Well I am back from the dentist.

She was a very nice lady and she showed great understanding of my problem. Being that because of my anxiety I don’t go very often. She said she had another patient with the same issue and if not for her having to walk her dogs, she would never get out of her apartment. Although my anxiety is not so severe that I can never get out, it is severe enough that I put my dentist visits off. For months or years.

Anyway, she fixed two huge holes today and I am now numb in my face. There is a pretty huge chance I will bite my own lip off.

Exciting huh??

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Oh well I suppose it had to happen. I’ve now developed a sore throat and a dry cough which always seems to envelop me this time of year. I rarely get sick – if ever – but I do get a yearly cold that hangs on for a few days and then dies out.

I think God is being merciful to me. I have bouts of depression and anxiety so I suppose he figures: That’s enough illness for her but give her an occasional cold.

Thus, today’s tasks are limited. God and I are nursing me.

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Have you ever really dreaded something that turned out to be good or at least not as bad as you’d expected?

I’m gonna tell you about a personal experience that really made me physically sick. It’s actually a long story but I am gonna make it really short.

For years I’d been suffering from severe panic attacks and depression and I’d tried out different medications plus several treatments such as art therapy, couple’s therapy, group therapy, hospitalization and individual talks with a psychiatrist plus my own doctor. Each meeting was horrific, the pain was excruciating and I always came out feeling a burden had lifted – but also quite confused from all the thoughts in my head. Anyway, those aren’t the things that weren’t as bad as they seemed – because they were!

In the end it was decided I should apply for early retirement and I had to meet up with my psychiatrist and a council worker who needed to talk with me to assess whether or not I was ready for retirement, had tried out every avenue that could take me towards being ready for a job and so on.

Suffering from severe anxiety, I absolutely dreaded that meeting because I felt my life was literally out of my own hands. So for the next two months I lived in terror, had sleepless nights and didn’t eat much of anything. Then I showed up at the hospital for the scheduled meeting and the social worker didn’t show! She’d forgotten!

So it was yet another 2 week wait for me and my anxiety didn’t lessen one bit.

The meeting itself is in a blur. I was crying through the whole thing and unable to utter a word because my throat tightened. The lady was nice and my psychiatrist was on the phone with someone else for most of the meeting. Now that I look back, it was pretty much a done deal before the meeting; maybe that’s why he took it so casually.

I got my pension and it’s the best thing that ever happened to me.

How do you cope with stress?

Let me tell you something really personal – some people love when bloggers get down to the nitty-gritty stuff, I know;

When I was a little girl, I was a highly anxious and emotional individual. I was also a real loner because of my intense shyness and when I felt bad, I used to cope by closing my door, covering my head with a pillow and just letting the tears run freely. I have never outgrown the anxiety and the tendency towards melancholy.

I also still cope in the same way. I have formed a kind of relationship with my anxiety where we have no space for other people. It’s an old friend, part enemy, that I can’t get rid of and what we have between us cannot be shared. I find myself defending the anxiety, shaking my fists at well-meaning people who only wanna help because they care.

I know nothing worse than when I feel anxious and someone wants to hug or comfort or say “It will be better in the morning”. I have no desire to be comforted because I know my anxiety well and we have a deal: If I keep quiet, if I keep the anxiety company for a bit, it will subside when it has had enough of my company.

But when an intruder tries to break this relationship and get in the middle, I become aggressive and defensive.

It’s a little hard for me to put myself in that person’s place. My anxiety attacks are strangely enough not as scary as they used to be although my body trembles and my throat feels tight. I know my anxiety. But the outsider doesn’t.

The attacks don’t last long if I am allowed to cope in my usual way. I occupy myself, I let my anxiety run wild until it gets tired and that’s usually the way it subsides the quickest. It is always hard to watch loved ones be in pain and not be able to do anything but it is also hard to be anxious and have comfort forced upon oneself. It’s not a personal thing: I would gladly knock out anyone who dare hug me during an anxiety attack when my stress level is high. I know, I know, anger management bla bla bla..But the respectful thing to do is to allow anyone to cope the way they see fit.

I don’t think anxious people are easy to live with. I am not alone in my strange habits and ways to cope; I am sure thousands can tell a similar story. So how can we unite the caring person who wants to help with the anxious person who wants to be left alone during the attacks?

It’s a tough one. There’s nothing wrong with either one: It’s perfectly natural to want to care for someone and it’s also natural to stick with the coping mechanisms that work.

How can we live together and not lose part of ourselves in that situation? I am asking in general. The care-giver must not care and the anxious is not allowed to withdraw. I’d be interested to hear your opinion on this.

I have been a big fan of Amy Grant since I was a teenager. I can even remember the exact moment it happened. I was sitting in my grand parents’ attic and looking through some of my aunt’s record and she had a big collection of Amy’s music. I listened to the Age to Age album and was just immediately in love with her voice. It’s so beautiful, the lyrics are profound and her music always makes me feel peaceful. That’s a big deal for someone like me who is prone to anxiety attacks.

A bit of news from Amy: She now has a Twitter account! I am of course following her..highly excited by this news

Also it’s possible to read Amy’s blog and comment..I am just as excited by that. Visit her blog here.

Amy Grant has an EP out for Mother’s Day (She colors my day).

Now, I know it’s not Christmas but I have to post this because it is SUCH an achievement!

Go Amy! Faster, faster..LOL.

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Thoughts

I am famously anxious. Never on Planet Earth has anyone been such a worrier..

God has given me the mission in life to be concerned for EVERYBODY

What about U? What are U famous for?

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I’m one of the many, many people in this world who suffer from a mix of anxiety and periodical depression. I also call myself a Christian and it wasn’t too long ago that I considered myself a bad Christian, one who lacked faith. I must have lacked faith since I could be so depressed and scared? Surely, if I believe that God is with me, He will look after me and I have nothing to be anxious about?

It’s an opinion that is unfortunately shared between lots of Christians. God above all, God conquers all in His own way and we don’t need psychiatrists, psychologist and medicine. We must be faithful and leave our lives in God’s capable hands.

Prayer will heal. Faith will heal. Spit out the meds.

It’s a very dangerous way of thinking. Would we consider a reverend to be weak in his faith if he came down with the flu? What about his congragation? Are they a bunch of non-believers if they feel confused, sick, have a broken leg? No, of course not. It sounds so ridiculous and yet lots of Christians judge each other so harshly: If you’re mentally ill, you are not trusting in God and you are not a “good” believer. It is time – on top of your illness and pain – to judge yourself for lack of faith.

Answer to God.

I can remember when I was at my most ill. Sitting on the bathroom floor wondering whether to swallow those pills or not, many times holding them so tightly in my hand that my knuckles went white. They would be sure to end my life. I was so close so many times. That’s the pain of depression and anxiety. Indescribable and inhuman. I wouldn’t wish it for my worst enemy.

And yet in the midst of that pain, we suffer statements like “I thought Christians were supposed to believe in God”, “You should pray more” and “Just believe and you will be cured..forget the doctors, they know nothing..just turn to God”.

Frightening.

I do believe that God saves and I don’t believe I would be here if it wasn’t for God. He sent me Kurt who would listen and listen and help me stand up. He sent me the medicine that put a lid on my internal screams so I could have quiet for a while. He gave me my family and my son and my ex husband who are all good people and stay supportive.

God always helps but we must grab the tools He offers. Medicine, doctors, psychiatrist, psychologists, relatives, loved ones, friends, support systems.

We must reach out. “Knock and I will come in”.

I could still be sitting on that bathroom floor if I was waiting around for God.
I reached out for His instruments. His tools. His lifeline. And I am still alive.

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Today’s topic is trust because it’s one of my own main issues. It was a remark said to me yesterday that actually sparked the idea of this post. “That man really destroyed you”, someone said. And I thought about it for a bit and denied it vehemently.

It was a short but very memorable relationship I had a few years ago to someone who was very different than I’d assumed and the relationship changed me to the core. But did he destroy me? No. That’s a power I will not surrender to him. I was not destroyed but I was certainly a different woman, less sure of my own judgment and other people. On guard 24/7.

One single trust violation might completely destroy any trust you have built up. Or maybe it will be a small series of violations, little drops of water that one day turn into a river that will wash away your feeling of security and self esteem (like in my case). In either case, you can no longer trust people and worst of all you can no longer trust yourself. Your own judgment.

What can we do to rebuild trust?

If you’re a friend, relative or partner of someone who has a hard time trusting, you’ve got to do things that restore the trust. It doesn’t matter whether or not you’re the one who has violated the trust in the first place: You’ve still got a friend, family member or spouse who has trust issues and cannot let go of them and so the challenge is also yours.

It’s an odd thing that you must reconcile when you’ve done nothing. The person may have been hurt by someone else who is no longer a part of their life because of the damage done but the point is, the damage is still there, un-repaired, unhealed. The road to healing is of course slightly different for every person and depending on the act that has broken the trust – and who has broken it – but a good thing to do is listen, answer every question under the sky, be accountable (go where you say you’re going, stick to promises), show a distinct pattern of honesty and trust-worthiness. Be very very predictable. Predictability is worth GOLD when trying to establish trust.

If you’re the one whose trust has been broken, you’ve got a different job. You need to think through what happened. Don’t beat yourself up but really consider what happened. If you think about it, trust is not something you just bestow on any person you meet. You’d never hand over your most precious thing to a stranger because he or she “deserves trust”. Don’t put trust in everyone you meet. Your own life – your mental and emotional well being – is a very precious thing and it’s not to be handed over just like that.

The good way to trust is to have an open and honest communication. Tell your friend, family member or spouse how you feel. Talk, talk, talk. And remember, trust grows over time. You don’t go down the supermarket and come back with trust. Get more realistic expectations: We’re all human and we all fail sometimes to live up to what others want from us. Don’t expect perfection. Realize that you can’t ever control people and you can’t be there all the time, watching, knowing what’s going on.

It all comes down to trusting yourself above all else. You’re probably angry, disappointed, scared – but remember that trust comes from a dynamic relationship with someone and it grows over time as soon as you see a pattern of behavior that you feel good about. In the meantime, get your feelings out, write them down, talk about them and allow people to build the pattern. Take care of yourself, exercise, be good to yourself and let go of “How could I be so stupid”.

When you know better, you will do better.

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I feel better when I don’t give my relationship status a name. I don’t like saying “I’m engaged”, “I’m married” or “I am single”. These kinds of titles make people lift you by the hair and put you into a box where you don’t necessarily feel that you belong.

I have been in a long distance relationship for quite a while now with a man twice my age. When I say it out loud, it doesn’t make any sense but when I think about what we have been through together and how I feel around him, it makes perfect sense.

I met Kurt a long time ago when my son was quite small and he was a good friend lending an ear when I needed to talk. We have lost contact for small periods of time but always seemed to find each other again. Kurt has helped me through the worst anxiety attacks, he has helped me back on my feet after a couple of failed relationships and he has always listened. I guess that’s sort of the condition of long-distance relationships: All you can do is listen and the listening and talking becomes intense. You get a bond that you might not have gotten if you had met under different circumstances.

Although we have never met, we can now look back on 8 years of talking and listening and being a big part of each other’s lives. It’s a strange situation to be in. Here is this man who I feel so close and connected to and I have never stood face-to-face with him! In my case I carry a lot of mistrust and suspicion around for personal reasons and it’s safe to say that it affects this relationship I am in. I suppose it’s quite natural to wonder about someone you have never met out there in “the real world” and I don’t want to let go of the common sense I have gained out of so much heart break and pain. I don’t want my naivety back. On the other hand I don’t want to chase away a good man who loves me because of what somebody else did to me.

It’s a balance like any relationship is. There are good days and bad days and Kurt and I have shared both. I am not in this relationship blindly. I see the sides of Kurt that have the potential to really seriously bug me (!!!) and I am sure he sees the same in me although he rarely says anything about it. In a way I think he might be the romantic in this relationship! I am so glad that I see both the appealing and the little annoying stuff about him because that means my eyes are open and I want them to remain open.

Because of past experiences I am terrified of being in a relationship out there where things are real and people are real. Too many people can get hurt if I mess up, that’s how I feel. Of course that’s no way to live and I can’t remain alone and avoid finding someone to love me because I’m afraid of the consequences of a relationship. There are never any guarantees for anything and all I can do is keep my eyes open and open up my heart just enough to let love have a fighting chance.

I feel uncomfortable in a box. I love this man with all my heart and I have some trust issues to work with. I want to remain strong and sometimes I feel that the thing we fear the most has already happened to us. I need not fear that someone will once more walk into my life, take it over and then leave with absolute chaos behind him. It will never happen again and I have to stop beating myself over the head with it.

I don’t want to call my relationship anything. I just want to love this man, to be around him and work through things together.

I want simplicity. I want to be around this man as long as I can and get to know him better. That’s all. Simplicity.

What about you?

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Since this blog is also my personal diary I’m going to write a little about worrying which is one of my own biggest challenges. I worry about everything and I mean everything! My psychiatrist told me that I have an anxious personality and since someone’s personality has already been laid out at the age of five, I am pretty much screwed.

And then again I’m not. Because my thoughts sometimes run amok and I can’t seem to find the brake, I have been searching online for good tips on how to relieve anxiety and get a grip on worrying thoughts.

I have been wondering why I am worrying so much. People never do anything unless they gain something from it and I suppose I have felt like the worries give me some sort of control over what’s going on in my life. As if I am going to see all the great disasters looming in my future and be prepared by mapping them all out inside my mind ahead of time. Another reason why I am worrying so much is that I am a noncustodial mother and I feel like it’s hard for me to show responsibility from day to day when my son is not around and because I am determined to be a good mother, I translate the responsibility I have towards him into worry. It’s like “he is not here but I will show the world that I love him by worrying until I fall to pieces”.

Of course things don’t work like that. I suppose if you break it down, the worries and the anxiety will lessen when I accept that I have absolutely no control about what happens in the future. As of this writing I don’t accept that and that’s why my foot is tapping like crazy on the floor. I am holding myself responsible for something that is completely out of my control and that’s the stuff that’s going to drive you mad if you let it.

I think I will need to do some training with my mind. I really need to consciously push my worries aside whenever they pop up and take away my energy. I have been trying sometimes but the moment I do, there is this very loud voice inside my head that says “why don’t you worry about your son? Don’t you love him?” – and poof, we’re back to worrying big-time! I need to tell myself that being responsible does not equal being worried .

I must start to be conscious about the moments when I start to worry. What was the trigger? It usually happens when I get catastrophe thoughts. Like when I worry about how my son is going to feel when he grows up about having lived with his dad instead of his mom, I imagine the worst possible scenario. I see him packing his bags and moving to the North Pole just to avoid seeing me. If anybody tries to tell me something positive, I diminish it. It just doesn’t count when it comes to me and my life. I am very quick to jump to conclusions about how other people feel about me and I’m pretty sure that everyone is out to get me. I’m working on that, though

There are some pretty basic rules to follow for worriers like me. Eating regularly to keep the blood sugar in balance, exercising regularly, staying away from caffeine (I really must drop the Coke) and talking with somebody who doesn’t worry. Don’t find somebody else who shares your outlook. Find somebody positive and listen to what they have to say. Be open-minded. Worrying serves no purpose. It does not bring you a happy future, it does not ward off any bad things waiting for you and it does not end unless you make it end.

Maybe I should resign as Manager of the Universe?

If there are any worriers out here, please leave me a comment and tell me: What do you do to relieve your anxiety and worry? Any good tips?

“Drag your thoughts away from your troubles… by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it.” ~Mark Twain

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