How to wing it!

Thai-soft-drinks

I've actually gone quite a while on a lower dose of my vice: Coca cola. I am not sure when the addiction started; quite possibly in my childhood but my very responsible parents had a close eye on me and my brother's soda consumption so it wasn't until I moved out on my own that I would go nuts with Coca Cola.

I'm not ever entirely gonna quit – I just love it too much and since it is my only vice, it's okay to keep it – but I will have less than 2 liters per day.

What's your vice?

First of all I would fill my son's bank account. Then I'd probably give some money away to different charities, cancer research, anxiety & depression research and treatment and then I would go out and buy a laptop and some cool games. I've taken a quiz on Facebook today and it says I will die in 2015. So I might as well just spend the whole one million dollars in a week or two.

Image via Wikipedia

Kurt sent me this quote today by Bob Marley:

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect – you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break – her heart.

So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”

— Bob Marley
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Italienisches Restaurant by krebsmaus07

I am not really a cuisine type of person myself as I tend to eat whatever is cheaper at the supermarket but if I had to pick, I would probably have to go for Italian food. Spaghetti, lasagna, any kinda pasta would work for me. Thick layer of cheese and white sauce. Of course when the year was over I would look like a balloon but that's beside the point, right?

Milwaukee, Image via Wikipedia

It would be wrong to say that I like this next person I’m going to write about because it is hard to like somebody who intentionally goes out and kills innocent people. It is hard to like somebody with such blackness inside his soul.

And yet there is something about Jeffrey Dahmer that makes me if not feel sorry then understand to some point why he committed the vile crimes he committed. Understanding does not mean forgiving or approving his actions but I have studied a great deal about him lately and I have watched interviews and I am left with the impression that Jeffrey Dahmer could have been stopped on numerous occasions and his isolation and internal pain should have been noticed at a very early age.

Jeffrey Dahmer was born in 1960 in Milwaukee and up until the age of six he seems to have had a rather normal childhood. His personality changed after he had a hernia operation and he became withdrawn and isolated, seemingly living in a world of his own and sitting around with a blank stare on his face. It was the kind of staring we all noticed during his trial where he sat in his chair, silent as if he was somewhere else, removed from his body.

It was in 1966 that Dahmer moved with his family to Bath in Ohio and the move would prove difficult to Jeffrey because he became even more shy around people and he started to have hobbies that he could engage in on his own. Since the hernia operation he had been very interested in the insides of bodies and he started collecting roadkill and stripping the animals to the bones to see what was inside and explore how the body works. This was actually a hobby that was somewhat encouraged by his father would show him how to bleach animal bones. An innocent enough hobby at the time had it not been for Jeffrey’s isolation and discomfort around other people.

During high school he remained a loner and his parents divorced when Jeffrey was 18. He eventually dropped out of the University and was enrolled in the army and stationed in Germany. He was discharged, however, after only two years because he drank too much.

So now he was this drunken young man, isolated, with no real plans for the future and a strange attraction: Because it would be difficult for Jeffrey to have and maintain a loving relationship with a living person, he started thinking about how he could get to explore a body without having to deal with emotions and demands from somebody else. He wanted somebody lying there so he could enjoy the body but not the person.

Dahmer’s first victim would be hitchhiker Steven Hicks who he picked up by the side of the road and then murdered. When he tried disposing of the body he was stopped by the police and had a near escape when they let him go. They did not check what was in the garbage bags in the back of his car.

Later Dahmer would crush the bones trying to get rid of the evidence and possibly trying to get rid of the murder itself – from within his own brain.

For the next six years Dahmer lived with his grandmother in West Allis, Wisconsin. He had a couple of good years where he would accompany his grandmother to church and managed to put a lid on the sexual thoughts about passive bodies but then one day he was propositioned at the local library and the sexual urges came back.

This is where Dahmer really started to disintegrate. He was continuously drunk, he started masturbating and exposing himself in public and he started going to gay bath houses where he tried sexual intercourse but disliked the demands that were made on himself to perform so he would begin drugging the men and many would wake up confused and dazed with their clothes off.

The story about Jeffrey Damer makes me kind of sad. For the victims first of all but also for the man himself. There were so many warning signs throughout his childhood and many steps were taken to help him, like going to university, sending him to the Army, sending him to live with his grandmother – but perhaps Jeffrey Dahmer was lost before any of these actions were taken.

After fondling a 13-year-old boy in Milwaukee, Dahmer was arrested and given five years probation and ordered therapy. The therapy did him no good however because he would remain quiet and unable to cooperate – or perhaps unwilling.

While he was on probation he committed his second murder and I’m not going to go into detail about it because the story is so well known and what happened to these victims is not something I want to get into in detail. Dahmer went on to murder many more young men until one victim escaped and led the police to his door.

Inside his apartment police found many human heads, torsos, victims ID, chemicals, a filing cabinet with a whole skeleton and male genitalia plus numerous photographs of the victims before, during and after the mutilation that occurred.

He was indicted on 17 murder charges which was reduced to 15 and he pleaded not guilty by reason of insanity. Some would state that Dahmer was not in control of his actions because his necrophilia urges were too strong to be controlled. Others said that Dahmer was always in control, able to manipulate and cover up his crimes.

In the end he was sentenced to 937 years in prison and he made a statement to the court:

“I hated no one. I knew I was sick or evil or both. Now I believe I was sick. The doctors have told me about my sickness, and now I have some peace. I know how much harm I have caused… Thank God there will be no more harm that I can do. I believe that only the Lord Jesus Christ can save me from my sins… I ask for no consideration.”

I think what makes me – if not like – then at least understand Dahmer is the fact that he was a serial killer who did not kill in order to hurt people. He did not inflict pain on living people and he did not get off sexually when torturing and maiming people. He would drug his victims and then commit his terrible acts. It is not an excuse but when I saw him sitting in court, I couldn’t help seeing that little completely isolated boy, opening up somebody’s chest to explore what was on the inside..

Of course this is a very simplified and incorrect way to look at a serial killer because I’m under the impression that he could certainly have stopped had he wanted to. He could have stopped and asked for help. He could have given himself up to the police but instead when they knocked at his door, he denied their accusations and put up a fight when they wanted to come in.

So I’m not trying to portray Dahmer as an innocent little kid. I am merely saying that I think this men was in a living hell of his own all his life.

In November 1994, he was murdered in prison by fellow inmate Christopher Scarver who beat him to death in the prison gym.

There’s an A&E Bio about Jeffrey Dahmer here.

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What have I been up to today? Well..

I have created my very own exercise device. I have a regular exercise bike in the living room to which I have strapped a wooden board. On the board I have placed my laptop with mouse, headset and net connection. That way I can get my exercise done and blog at the same time.

Sounds crazy but makes me exercise more.

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I’m one of the many, many people in this world who suffer from a mix of anxiety and periodical depression. I also call myself a Christian and it wasn’t too long ago that I considered myself a bad Christian, one who lacked faith. I must have lacked faith since I could be so depressed and scared? Surely, if I believe that God is with me, He will look after me and I have nothing to be anxious about?

It’s an opinion that is unfortunately shared between lots of Christians. God above all, God conquers all in His own way and we don’t need psychiatrists, psychologist and medicine. We must be faithful and leave our lives in God’s capable hands.

Prayer will heal. Faith will heal. Spit out the meds.

It’s a very dangerous way of thinking. Would we consider a reverend to be weak in his faith if he came down with the flu? What about his congragation? Are they a bunch of non-believers if they feel confused, sick, have a broken leg? No, of course not. It sounds so ridiculous and yet lots of Christians judge each other so harshly: If you’re mentally ill, you are not trusting in God and you are not a “good” believer. It is time – on top of your illness and pain – to judge yourself for lack of faith.

Answer to God.

I can remember when I was at my most ill. Sitting on the bathroom floor wondering whether to swallow those pills or not, many times holding them so tightly in my hand that my knuckles went white. They would be sure to end my life. I was so close so many times. That’s the pain of depression and anxiety. Indescribable and inhuman. I wouldn’t wish it for my worst enemy.

And yet in the midst of that pain, we suffer statements like “I thought Christians were supposed to believe in God”, “You should pray more” and “Just believe and you will be cured..forget the doctors, they know nothing..just turn to God”.

Frightening.

I do believe that God saves and I don’t believe I would be here if it wasn’t for God. He sent me Kurt who would listen and listen and help me stand up. He sent me the medicine that put a lid on my internal screams so I could have quiet for a while. He gave me my family and my son and my ex husband who are all good people and stay supportive.

God always helps but we must grab the tools He offers. Medicine, doctors, psychiatrist, psychologists, relatives, loved ones, friends, support systems.

We must reach out. “Knock and I will come in”.

I could still be sitting on that bathroom floor if I was waiting around for God.
I reached out for His instruments. His tools. His lifeline. And I am still alive.

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It's just a fun, romantic movie that both guys and girls can enjoy watching. Meg Ryan is always good and although I have never really been a great Billy Crystal fan, he is really good in this movie.

And of course: it's absolutely hilarious. Here's a quote from the movie:

Sally Albright: Well, if you must know, it was because he was very jealous, and I had these days of the week underpants.

Harry Burns: Ehhhh. I'm sorry. I need the judges ruling on this. "Days of the weeks underpants"?

Sally Albright: Yes. They had the days of the week on them, and I thought they were sort of funny. And then one day Sheldon says to me, "You never wear Sunday." It was all suspicious. Where was Sunday? Where had I left Sunday? And I told him, and he didn't believe me.

Harry Burns: What?

Sally Albright: They don't make Sunday.

Harry Burns: Why not?

Sally Albright: Because of God.

"Let me give you a little inside information about God. God likes to watch. He's a prankster. Think about it. He gives man instincts. He gives you this extraordinary gift, and then what does He do, I swear for His own amusement, his own private, cosmic gag reel, He sets the rules in opposition. It's the goof of all time. Look but don't touch. Touch, but don't taste. Taste, don't swallow. Ahaha. And while you're jumpin' from one foot to the next, what is He doing? He's laughin' His sick, fuckin' ass off! He's a tight-ass! He's a SADIST! He's an absentee landlord! Worship that? NEVER! "

This remains one of my favorite movies. Al Pacino has an amazing talent and I gotta say, he makes a pretty perfect Devil! I've watched it numerous times and I am always entertained – but more than that, this movie makes me think.

I don't wanna give the ending away but after watching it, I can't help thinking how easy it is to get lead away by the Devil, by evil, by selfishness.

And the Devil – just like Jesus – mixes with the little guy. He remains small so we hardly notice him. As Pacino says: "Don't let them see you coming, that's the trick".

Awesome movie, I highly recommend it.